Well, there is no denying that as years go, 2023 was definitely one of them. A year which started with Argentina still collectively hungover as a result of those wild December World Cup celebrations, and ended with the remarkable election of Javier Milei, misunderstood liberal genius and saviour of the nation or deranged, malevolent demon hobbit, depending on whom you ask.
In the middle the last 12 months of football once again refused to disappoint when it came to supplying us with the madness, controversy and chaos we condemn but secretly crave. Court-disrupted elections; crowdfunded debt payments; a series of pitched battles in Rio de Janeiro and no fewer than five different title winners: there was no shortage of action to keep even the most demanding of fans satisfied.
But all that is already water under the bridge. The question on everybody's lips is clear: what comes next? What surprises are in store for us football aficionados? Will my team win it all (probably not, I am sad to say)?
Fortunately, the Buenos Aires Times has you covered as once again it can reveal its exclusive and not at all light-hearted glance at what lies in store. Pour yourself a fernet, ignore your friends and family and enjoy our review of 2024.
January
Still fuming after December's resounding electoral defeat, Mauricio Macri announces the founding of his new club, Boca Seniors. By presidential decree they are promoted straight into the Liga Profesional de Fùtbol.
The storm surrounding new River Plate wonderkid Claudio Echeverri escalates when the teenager skips pre-season training to party with Big Brother contestants. Echeverri's mother steps in to defuse tensions by grounding him for two weeks and taking away his phone and television.
February
Inter Miami cause a storm with three new Argentine arrivals. The club announce the signing of Lionel Messi's favourite second cousin, as well as his barber and asado chef, a gamble that appears to pay off as they begin the MLS season with five straight wins and 15 goals from the veteran number 10.
The one person still remaining in Argentina who had not yet filmed a documentary on Qatar 2022 finally releases a three-hour tribute to the team's kitman and his loving care of their socks. It is an instant box-office smash.
March
With the nation in the grip of recession and hyperinflation, clubs struggle to make ends meet. Huracán find a novel solution, slashing players' wages and paying them in kind with gift certificates to popular porteño nightclub Kika.
AFA chief Claudio Tapia finds his own way to meet rising costs, selling the organisation's naming rights. Henceforth he presides over The Axion Energy Argentine Football Association (presented by Marolio).
April
River Plate continue in imperious form and are yet to be defeated in either the Copa de la Liga nor the Libertadores. Disgruntled fans nevertheless start a petition for Martín Demichelis to be sacked after the coach failed to cover his face while sneezing during a 6-0 win over San Lorenzo, picking up 40,000 signatures in the first 12 hours.
May
The Copa de la Liga final is upon us, pitting Boca Juniors against Boca Seniors. The game is played in Doha and finishes 0-0, before Juan Román Riquelme's Boca finally take the title 23-22 in a penalty shoot-out that last six hours. Furious at defeat, Macri withdraws his team from the division and relocates it permanently in the Qatari Stars League.
As the economic crunch continues, new Independiente President Santi Maratea confirms that the entire squad's contracts will now be paid via fan donations.
June
Lionel Scaloni causes a storm by resigning his Argentina post just 40 minutes prior to their Copa América opener in Atlanta. Messi steps into the breach as player-coach and leads the Albiceleste to three consecutive victories in the group stage.
Celebrations following a convincing win over Peru to close out the first round are somewhat sullied when it turns out the Axion Energy AFA (presented by Marolio) paid Argentina's Miami hotel with a bad cheque. Evicted from their lodgings, the squad holds a pyjama party in Messi's mansion, but further misfortune follows when Emiliano Martínez breaks Enzo Fernández's jaw during a midnight pillow fight.
July
Despite losing the services of Fernández and Copa sensation Echeverri, who was accidentally left behind in New Jersey after the semi-final and was forced to use his wits to fight off two burglars, Argentina make a strong start to the final when Messi hands them an early lead against Brazil. Two quick goals, however, send the Albiceleste into the half-time break trailing.
Fortunately, Lionel Scaloni bursts through the dressing-room door in the nick of time to reclaim his post and gives a rousing motivational speech, reducing ‘Dibu’ to furious tears. The second half sees Argentina net three more to take the Copa América title and thousands take to the streets of Miami in celebration, causing a near-riot when they clash with visiting Rio de Janeiro military police in town for a security conference.
August
Desperate to keep fans' membership dues coming in during the economic crisis, Racing Club decide to raffle off a place in the first team for their Liga Profesional clash against Sarmiento. Rappi driver Mati Velázquez is the lucky recipient and scores a header after starting the game at centre-forward.
September
Social media is ignited by the emergence of a six-year-old River sensation who is running riot in the club's youth ranks. Days later the youngster is sold to Liverpool for US$15 million, wile fans blame Demichelis for not giving him a decent run in the first team.
Argentine football is thrown into uproar when a journalistic investigation discovers that Deportivo Riestra and Barracas Central have been playing for the entire year with 12 men on the field. The Liga has been turning a blind eye to such blatant manipulation, which was made possible by the fact that no neutral observers watch Deportivo Riestra or Barracas Central matches.
October
Already used to running the San Lorenzo ship on a tight budget, Rubén Insúa reveals that to further save money he is acting as the club's bus-driver, groundsman and head of security. Even with his attentions divided, the Cuervo continue to push for Copa qualification despite a league-record 12 consecutive scoreless draws over the winter.
Boca president Riquelme finally unveils the long-awaited expansion plans for the Bombonera. Instead of having to move, La Boca residents will have their homes removed from street level and embedded into the new stand as luxury boxes. While somewhat of an eyesore, the new construction will increase the Bombonera's capacity by up to 10,000 more spectators when completed (the date to be determined).
November
Exhausted after a year of burning the candle at both ends, Huracán are relegated from the Liga Profesional after picking up just three wins. The Axion Energy AFA (presented by Marolio, Jumbo and Diego's Exhaust and Tyre Supplies in Monte Hermoso) take pity on the Globo and agree to suspend relegation for a year on the condition that their players undergo three months of rehab.
River, meanwhile, power through to complete a Liga-Libertadores double, with the soon-departing Echeverri netting a hat-trick to down Palmeiras in the final. It proves to be Demichelis' last match in charge, though, as the massive supporter campaign against the coach's new haircut finally causes him to crack and resign his post.
December
Marcelo Gallardo makes a triumphant return to River’s ranks in order to marshal the Millonario through the newly reinstated Intercontinental Cup. In the final they face Boca Seniors, champions of Qatar and Asia, who downed Real Madrid in dubious circumstances to clinch their spot in the decider. The side, coached by Martín Palermo, fall to River, and in a surprise end-of-year twist Macri is outsted from the presidency in favour of Riquelme, who in 2025 will be at the helm of both Boca teams. The ex-president retires to a small Tuscan village to wile away the rest of his days playing bridge and denouncing populism.
After 11 long years, the Axion Energy AFA (presented by Marolio, Jumbo, Diego's Exhaust and Tyre Supplies in Monte Hermoso and Cirque de Solei) affirms that with a little luck 2025 might finally see away fans return to the stands.
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