Okay, Argentine football. You win. Every year this preview tries its best to give a fair, reasonable forecast of the events to come over the next 12 months, and every year we are outstripped in the wacky stakes. But in 2024 you really did outdo yourself.
We had:
– Deportivo Riestra fielding a 14-year-old and an Internet streamer in competitive matches.
– Marcelo Gallardo returning, prodigal son-like, to River Plate after barely 18 months away.
– Lionel Messi doing his best Maradona, melon-ankle impression to win another trophy.
– Talleres decamping to Russia for a pre-season tour and finishing a friendly match with a massive on-pitch brawl.
– Claudio ‘Chiqui’ Tapia’s neck sweat dabber, relegations being cancelled and a fight with the government.
– San Lorenzo bringing a Spanish ace (Iker Munian) to Bajo Flores and still being rubbish.
– Independiente’s already legendary yacht party.
– Another sacked coach at Boca (that one at least was predictable)
– A three-way final-day battle for the league involving Huracán, somehow. And Vélez losing three, count them, three finals!
– Racing winning a continental title?!
And that is just the stuff we can remember. After all, it has been a long year. It is clear that we are going to have to raise our game to get even close to forecasting the mad comings and goings 2025 without a doubt has in store for us. With that in mind, and without further ado, read on to find out exactly what is going to happen over the next 12 exciting months of Argentine football.
January
In an effort to balance San Lorenzo’s precarious financial situation, Iker Muniain decamps to Pinamar for the summer to sell churros on the beach. All of the profits go to the Cuervo’s coffers, but the club lose it all after accidentally leaving the money on a bus.
Fernando Gago’s first Boca pre-season goes awry when the coach trips over a sandcastle built by Edinson Cavani’s son and tears his Achilles tendon.
February
Deportivo Riestra make football history by fielding a chimpanzee in centre midfield for their game against Boca. The confused ape is sent off for biting Gago, severing the unfortunate coach’s left pinkie finger.
Racing clinch their second international title in three months in the Recopa. Observers are quick to forecast that the end of the world is nigh.
March
After making 17 new signings over the summer, Marcelo Gallardo resigns as River coach following a tough start to the season and immediately becomes the bookmakers’ favourite to replace himself. Which he does, four days later.
Argentina easily clinch their place at the next World Cup with wins over Brazil and Uruguay. To mark the occasion, the AFA announces that next year’s Liga Profesional de Fútbol will contain 60 teams and take roughly four years to complete, with all the games taking place in the province of Santiago del Estero.
April
Buoyed by the success of the Copa Potrero last year, Sergio Agüero sets himself up as the leader of the breakaway Alternative Football Association (AFA) and launches a new, privately owned league backed by President Javier Milei. Among the innovations ‘Kun’ shows off are a countdown match clock, rolling subs and an orange card.
May
The Córdoba Kings are forced to resign from the Alternative League when it turns out their owner is a fugitive gun-runner wanted in 35 countries for crimes against humanity. Agüero and Milei insist their owner-vetting process was thorough and such an issue would not arise again.
Emiliano ‘Dibu’ Martínez saves all five shootout penalties in the final to crown Aston Villa Champions League winners. Dibu’s subsequent celebrations lead UEFA to issue a 200-metre restraining order on the goalkeeper for any of the governing body’s trophies, while he is also banned for life from ever entering German territory again.
June
At the Club World Cup, Boca’s group stage exit causes a riot amongst the thousands of Xeneize fans who have flocked to Nashville for the decisive game. Gago tries to calm nerves but ends up with a cracked skull after being struck by an unknown assailant wielding a fiddle.
Vélez fight through to the final of the league championship but, hours before kick-off, decide to forfeit. “We just can’t take losing another one, we’d rather just stay at home,” the club explained in a statement.
July
Talleres’ pre-season tour to Iran takes an unpleasant turn when the entire squad is named an Enemy of the Revolution after a rambunctious night out in Tehran. The infinitely talented Chiqui Tapia proves an adept hostage negotiator and arranges for the release of the players in exchange for 500 YPF footballs left over from the previous summer.
Riestra unveil their marquee winter signing: a 70-year-old retired carpenter who becomes the world’s oldest footballer when he staggers onto the pitch for a debut against Defensa y Justicia.
August
The Alternative League folds halfway into the season amid accusations of money-laundering, unpaid wages and human-trafficking. Tapia buys up hours of primetime advertising space to deliver his last laugh, which turns out to be a deeply unsuffering witch-like cackle.
Iker Muniain is sidelined for a month when, in his side gig as San Lorenzo’s groundsman, the Basque star severs his pinkie finger while trimming the weeds around the Bajo Flores benches. During his convalescence Muniain agrees to do the cooking for the Under-15s.
September
Euphoric after making the Sudamericana last-16, Independiente’s lavish qualification party ends in tragedy when the Zeppelin the players hired for the event crashes into the Obelisco. With their entire squad nursing broken bones as well as hard-to-explain rashes and protuberances, the Avellaneda club fall in the next round.
Furious at not receiving a single mention in the 2025 review until late September, Lionel Messi ambushes unsuspecting journalists outside the Times newsroom and peppers them with airgun fire until police intervene and take the reporters into custody.
October
Racing’s bid to win the Libertadores falls short in the quarter-finals. Coach Gustavo Costas is sent off in the second leg when he goes berserk following a missed penalty call and uses his stopwatch and rosary as nunchaku, sending the fourth official and three Corinthians subs to the hospital.
River also crash out of the Libertadores, prompting Gallardo’s fifth resignation of the year.
November
Boca fight back heroically from two goals down to beat Flamengo in the Copa Libertadores final. Gago gives a wry smile as, now missing an arm, a leg and both ears due to training ground mishaps, he is carried up to the stage to receive Coach of the Year honours.
Tapia announces that there will once again be no relegation from the top flight. He receives a message of congratulations from the president of Barracas Central, who are 20 points adrift at the bottom of the table, for his decision.
December
Riestra’s 70-year-old centre-forward scores a stunning long-range finish in the last minute to give the Malevo their first-ever league title. Argentina as a whole shrugs its collective shoulders and decides that’s probably enough football for one year.
Fulfilling Racing’s prophecy, an asteroid strikes the earth and wipes out 90 percent of human existence.
Amid the apocalypse, and with Tapia blissfully unaffected, the AFA affirms that after 12 long years and with a little luck 2026 might finally see away fans return to the stands (those which have not been covered in lava and sulphurous fumes).
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