Is Artificial Intelligence really coming for our jobs? Much more importantly, is it after mine? As our regular readers will know, here we do not shy away from the big questions of the day, and it seems an appropriate one to ask in this annual squinting gaze into the crystal ball.
So to kick us off the 2026 review, and possibly to determine who will write the 2027 version, this writer asked Zorg (having already forgotten what the actual programme was, Zorg will have to do as an AI-lias (see what I did there)) to come up with some ridiculous predictions for the coming year.
Judge for yourselves if there is a future left in this or if our dear writer needs to start updating his CV.
Tango Goal Celebration: After winning the World Cup in 2026, every Argentine player will celebrate by performing a synchronized tango dance on the pitch, causing a global viral sensation and inspiring a new dance craze. (A bit cheesy but OK)
Pet Frenzy: In a unique initiative to promote pet adoption, each Argentine team will bring a dog onto the pitch for every home game. Matches will turn chaotic as dogs chase the ball more than players do, leading to a new league where dog teams compete instead. (This one was probably closest to something I could actually write)
Cultural Exchange: Argentina will exchange football players with Italy, leading to a situation where every match includes at least one player attempting to recite a Shakespeare sonnet in the middle of the game. (Eh?)
Riestra’s Celebrity Coaches: Deportivo Riestra will invite a series of celebrity guest coaches to train the team, from famous chefs to fitness influencers, resulting in an eclectic mix of game strategies and dinner parties post-match, leaving fans both baffled and entertained. (This is if anything too realistic)
Messi vs. The Youth: Lionel Messi, still playing at 39, will initiate a friendly rivalry with a 16-year-old prodigy who claims to be the “real Messi.” Their weekly TikTok challenges will get more views than their actual matches. (Total drivel)
Barracas Central’s New Mascot: Barracas Central will unveil a new mascot – a giant, inflatable central heating unit, named “Calentador,” that will dance on the sidelines during matches. Fans will embrace it so much that it will outshine the players in popularity! (Hands down my favourite, though the notion that Barracas Central have fans betrays Zorg’s lack of football knowledge).
I think for now we’ll keep doing things the old way. No amount of AI can account for the AFA suddenly adding a trophy two weeks before the season finishes and crowning the champions in a taxi, while San Lorenzo are completely inexplicable to any logic-driven process. So without further ado or lake-draining nonsense, here is our 100 percent artisan, farm-to-table review of 2026.
2026: A PREVIEW OF THE YEAR TO COME
January
Claudio ‘Chiqui’ Tapia declares that every game of the Liga Profesional de Futbol league season will be a cup final with the winner awarded a trophy. Barracas Central kick off with a 2-0 win over Sarmiento to lift the Trofeo Chiqui Tapia’s Dad.
Marcelo Gallardo and River make headlines as they swoop again on Racing, this time signing ‘Changuito.’ The aptly named Millonario meet the mascot’s release clause of 50,000 pesos and 10 kilos of vacío, adding to the bad blood between the teams. Changuito starts the year at centre-forward and passes out after seven minutes due to the summer heat and weight of his oversized suit.
February
A new scandal hits San Lorenzo after club president Marcelo Moretti is filmed in a strip club wearing a set of papal vestments donated by the late Pope Francis and throwing the club’s TV rights money onto the stage. He is adamant that he will continue at the head of the Cuervo.
Gallardo’s second River term comes to an end after a third straight loss, despite signing 12 new players at the start of the year – none of whom, including Changuito, were aged under 35. Enzo Pérez is hired as his replacement to “wind up the bosteros.”
March
The long-awaited Finalissima between Argentina and Spain is abandoned due to floodlight failure after 1- minutes. Rodrigo De Paul and Lamine Yamal unsuccessfully try to calm the Qatar crowd’s temper with a K-Pop Demon Hunters duet (that song about fizzy drinks, you know the one) but are forced to flee as a riot sparks.
A rough March for coaches sees Claudio Úbeda and Gustavo Quinteros sacked from Boca Juniors and Independiente respectively, two of the 15 departures over the course of the month. The Rojo replace Quinteros with influencer Santi Maratea, crowdfunding his wages.
April
After just a quarter-season in the Primera C, A are promoted to the second-tier Nacional on the grounds that it’s silly for a team associated with such a good player to be playing against the likes of Deportivo Paraguayo and Yupanqui.
May
Still without a permanent successor to the late Miguel Ángel Russo, Boca’s novel ‘coach of the week’ strategy continues to pay off as the rotating staff takes the club to the Apertura final. Dua Lipa assumes the role for the decider against Independiente and oversees a coaching masterclass to win 4-0.
After the game, the pop star is offered the job on a full-time basis and graciously accepts.
June
Fernando Fernández, the AFA’s head trophy-maker, overtakes Elon Musk to become the world’s richest man.
Argentina start their World Cup defence with a 5-0 defeat at the hands of Algeria. Thousands of fans flock to celebrate the positive omen at the Obelisco.
July
Emiliano ‘Dibu’ Martínez unveils his new shootout technique of whispering quiet encouragement to takers. In the final, he tells England’s Harry Kane he always admired his talents in spite of a lack of silverware, causing the striker to sky the decisive kick. Argentina are World Cup champions once more.
Martínez receives the Best Goalkeeper award and takes it out for a pleasant dinner in Manhattan, dropping it off at home afterwards with a peck on the cheek and a promise to take things slow.
August
FIFA announces that goalkeepers will now be forbidden from whispering words of quiet encouragement to opposing penalty-takers.
Lionel Messi retires from international football after his second World Cup win and moves home with Leones FC, who are subsequently promoted by AFA decree to the Liga Profesional, Argentina’s top flight.
September
The trophies for everyone policy is quietly scrapped with Argentine football hundreds of million dollars in debt over unpaid engraving costs. Fernández is forced to sell two of his Ferraris and a beachfront condo in Miami to pay the gas bill.
Dua Lipa resigns from the Boca helm after eight consecutive wins after discovering that the Copa Libertadores knock-out stages clashes with her Far-East tour. Úbeda returns as caretaker and promptly takes them out of the tournament with defeat to Corinthians.
October
Maratea quits the Independiente job after a clásico defeat to River, with Gallardo back on the Millonario bench. The influencer crowdfunds his own severance payment.
November
Barracas unveil their new central heating mascot named... ah shit, we had this one already. I might be running out of steam…
After picking up his second Copa Sudamericana title with Racing Club, Gustavo Costas retires from his role to do the Eastbourne pantomime season as the Ogre in Jack and the Beanstalk.
December
The Clausura final sees a gripping match between Barracas and Leones FC in Santiago del Estero, eventually decided by a 116th-minute Messi penalty. Since the AFA trophy budget is empty, Messi is presented with a Mercado Libre gift card which he holds aloft in pride.
The AFA affirms that after 13 long years and with a little luck 2027 might finally see away fans return to the stands.
Comments